(part of a regular series, praising the real and fictional celebrities that defined my adolescence and “adulthood”)

I kind of wish Optimus Prime could have been my dad. Not that I don’t love my biological father….ideally it would be more like the show “My Two Dads”. Real Dad would teach me about baseball, drinking martinis, and doing a half-assed job. Optimus would teach me how to fire laser rifles, the virtues of freedom for all sentient beings, and how to download porno on Teletraan 1. Real Mom would be there to keep the family unit stable and nag me about not having a clean room.

(Apparently, I’m not the only one who thinks so highly of him. God I wish they would have had Carl Monday interview this guy.)

Of course, there would be conflicts. Optimus would want to raise me as a proper Jew but I don’t think I could give up bratwurst and bacon.

In closing, here is a picture from a Marvel comic book of O.P. meeting Ronald Reagan. I’m hoping the last word of that sentence wasn’t going to be “fuck”.

This is a 5-minute highlight reel of the “Tourette’s Guy”. It’s goddamned hilarious and definitely NSFW.

There’s plenty of debate about whether the subject actually suffered from Tourette’s Syndrome (and I was sad to find out that he passed away in August 2007 from complications following an auto accident). Even if it is scripted or embellished, it’s high comedy. Good night, sweet prince. I know you’re looking down on us from Heaven*.

* – Heaven may or may not actually exist.

Fantastic article by Tom Oates today, following UW’s 65-56 win over the Gophers.

An excerpt:

The abridged version: UW gets to the rim and makes sure the ball touches the post on offense and plays with its feet and bodies — but not its hands — on defense. The consistency with which Ryan’s teams follow those marching orders has led to a huge foul disparity throughout his 24 seasons as a head coach.

“If on defense you’re trying to block every shot, if you’re leaving your feet, if you’re lazy and use your hands, if you’re lazy and don’t move your feet, you’re going to foul more,” Ryan said. “So discipline is extremely important and I demand that. … I’m not the only one that demands that, but the players are going to do what you’re willing to accept. So we try not to commit fouls when they’re out of being lazy or being overly aggressive to where you think you have to block everything.”

No surprise, then, that UW ranks fifth in the nation in fewest fouls per game this season. But the other half of the Badgers’ free-throw disparity equation takes place on the other end.

“On our offensive end, we’re trying to get people out of position so they have to use their hands,” Ryan said. “So when we attack an open lane, a baseline, a lane line, if people put their hands on you it’s exposed to the officials. If you touch the post with the ball, you will shoot more free throws. Everybody in the country’s heard that at clinics a million times. Now, what are you doing with your players in practice and what are you settling for in games?”

Ryan doesn’t settle for it, which is why visiting coaches will continue to complain, and UW will continue to win.

Of course, that kind of sound logic hasn’t convinced the mouth-breathing Minnesotans over at The Gopher Hole that, um, maybe the refs weren’t the problem after all…that maybe the real issue is their team sucks? I realize it’s a harsh reality to have to come to terms with. But if dragging Bo Ryan’s name through the mud (anonymously! on the Internet!) helps you sleep better at night, by all means….go right ahead. My favorite comment comes from “Bad Gopher” (referring to how the rest of the Big Ten coaches apparently “hate” Ryan, even though there is no evidence to support this):

Just accept that his peers don’t like him for very obvious reasons and move on.

This is an oft-used form of persuasion. See other examples from history:

“Just accept that the Aryan race is superior for very obvious reasons and move on.” — Adolf Hitler

“Just accept that there are WMD’s in Iraq for very obvious reasons and move on.” — George W. Bush

“Just accept that we’re going to tax you without representation for very obvious reasons and move on.” — King George III

The headline to this article cracks me up:

“Democrats Look for Way to Avoid Convention Rift”

Now that is quite a pickle, my friends. It requires some serious discussion. As I see it, the DNC will have to choose between

a) Vibrant, charismatic leader who galvanizes supporters in a manner not seen since Bobby Kennedy in 1968

and

b) Shrill hag whose husband presided over the most scandal-filled administration in history

Tough call. I mean, seriously… do they want to win in November or not?

Latest Rasmussen poll: Obama leads McCain 46% to 44%, while McCain leads Clinton 49% to 42%.

Welcome to my blog. There’s only about 5 bazillion of them in the world right now – as you can see I like to stay ahead of the curve. Mainly I will be bitching about sports, entertainment and pop culture, with a few funny YouTube links sprinkled in on occasion. You’ll also learn my views on politicians (they’re all scumbags), organized religion (a crock), and technology (I love it more than Kip Dynamite – always and forever).

Stay tuned…